You’re Allowed to Feel Attraction For Others - Even in a Committed Relationship
One of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had in my current relationship came from something that used to bring me a lot of shame: being attracted to other people while in a committed relationship.
It was a struggle I carried through most of my past relationships, and for a long time, I thought it meant something was wrong with me. I kept trying to fix it, hide it, or make it go away—but the more I resisted it, the more it took over.
It wasn’t until I felt truly accepted that I finally began to understand what I was really searching for.
Suppression Isn’t the Same as Respect
In past relationships, I constantly felt like I had to hide my attraction to other women. Not because I was acting on it—but because simply feeling it was treated like a red flag or a threat to the relationship. And the more I tried to suppress that part of myself, the worse it got.
I spent so much time wondering:
Why do I feel this way?
Is this normal?
Am I just not with the “right” person?
Am I broken?
The truth is, attraction is natural. Humans are biologically wired to notice and respond to beauty, chemistry, energy. But attraction doesn’t equal disloyalty. And suppression doesn’t equal trust.
The Trap of Unrealistic Boundaries
When a relationship is built around fear or insecurity, it often leads to rules that sound like love but actually reinforce shame:
“You shouldn’t even look at someone else.”
“If you really loved me, I’d be the only one you ever thought about.”
“Being attracted to someone else means you're not fully committed.”
These ideas are deeply ingrained in our culture—and they’re just not sustainable. What they create is secrecy, guilt, and a constant pressure to monitor yourself instead of connect honestly.
And when you’re stuck in that cycle, it becomes hard to show up authentically in the relationship. You start hiding your truth, even from yourself.
This is also why understanding how to set clear boundaries is so important. If we set a boundary in a romantic partnership, we need to make sure it is realistic and we need to make sure that it feels like a win-win for both people involved. If you set a boundary that is not being respected or seems too unrealistic, there may be an incompatibility that needs to be addressed.
When Suppressing Your Truth Backfires
When you don’t feel safe being honest about your attraction, desires, or even basic emotional needs, you learn to hide. You bottle it up. You try to manage it quietly. But that doesn’t make the feelings go away.
Over time, that emotional tension builds—and it often spills out in ways that feel confusing, disconnected, or even self-sabotaging.
You might:
Start secretly following people on social media
Turn to porn or fantasies to escape the guilt of your real desires
Lie by omission to avoid triggering your partner’s insecurities
Seek validation outside the relationship
Or, in some cases, cross emotional or physical boundaries you never intended to
This doesn’t happen because you're a bad partner. It happens because you didn’t feel safe being honest.
And when there’s no space for honesty, secrecy takes its place.
Suppressing attraction doesn’t make it disappear—it just adds pressure to your relationship and to yourself. And eventually, that pressure comes out as distance, resentment, or behavior that goes against your values.
What helps is not repression. What helps is having a safe space to talk about these feelings—without fear, without punishment, and without shame.
The Breakthrough: Acceptance Changes Everything
In my current relationship, something different happened.
I shared everything—what I had been through, what I had struggled with, what I was afraid of. And instead of shutting it down, my partner met me with openness.
She said: “I get it. I feel attraction too. That doesn’t scare me.”
There was no fear, no control, no punishment. Just understanding.
We explored boundaries together. We even tried an open relationship. I learned that it wasn’t actually what I wanted—but I needed the space to explore and figure that out for myself.
What I discovered was this: I didn’t need to act on my attraction. I just needed to be accepted for having it.
That alone created emotional safety, freedom, and a deeper commitment than I had ever experienced before.
What a Healthy Relationship Really Looks Like
A healthy relationship doesn’t require perfection.
It requires honesty, trust, and room for two people to be fully themselves.
It means:
You can talk about being attracted to others without it being a threat.
You can feel desire and still stay loyal.
You can be confident in your relationship because of communication—not fear.
What keeps a relationship strong isn’t control—it’s clarity, connection, and shared understanding of boundaries that feel realistic and respectful for both people.
Final Thoughts
If you’re in a relationship where attraction is treated like a flaw or a threat, it might not be the attraction that’s the issue—it might be the lack of emotional safety.
We all deserve relationships where we can be honest without being punished. Where we’re trusted, not controlled. Where boundaries are co-created, not imposed.
The goal isn’t to stop being human.
It’s to be human—with love, awareness, and mutual respect.
Ready to Do the Work Through Your Desires?
This is the kind of conversation we hold in mentorship—tender, real, and transformational.
If you’re ready to explore love from a place of freedom and truth, we’re here.
